Essays - Hahs Digi TV

With Kenny Hutchings

It all started with this comment:-

CassetteBoy: it only costs 28,000 to get a tv channel on sky
CassetteBoy: we should club together and have hahs digi tv

Then hahsers proceeded to write up the schedules as follows. Times have been edited to make it all make sense, and descriptions have been modified where necessary to make them more amusing:-

1am. FAVUS HATES YOU: Another episode of the fantastic show where callers ring in and Richard "Favus" Smith shouts at them and tells them to fuck off.

2am. MENTSKI HATES YOU: Favus hands over to Darren "Mentski" Paul and the remaining callers get a due cussing from the man in charge.

3am. GOTES' HAXX0RED WAREZ: Thomas Scott tours the best warez dumps and sites on the internet and gives info on the latest haxx0red bawkses. You can email him live during the show with information on haxx0red bawkses and warez dumps at gotes@hahsdigi.tv

4am. PICTURES OF PAINT DRYING: Since you've all gone to bed, there's no point in showing anything else.

7:07am. SEVEN-OH-SEVEN: gotes and Hutchings talk about random crap in the morning until gotes realises what time it is and that he's late for lectures. Hutchings then stares at the screen for the remainder of the hour.

8am. HAHS CHAT: See all the hahsers in their full glory in the morning as they all recover from the nights drunkeness and swear at each other. Viewers phone in and comment on how they aren't even making coherent speech.

9am. BULMER AND ABBY MORNING GLORY: Watch live sex for three hours as everyone else goes back to bed.

12 noon. TANE TALKS: Tane walks onto the set and demands various things asking viewers to phone in and tell him where he can buy something. Other hahsers stand behind him and make rude gestures while he isn't looking.

1pm. THE LUNCHTIME GUY'S: All the hahs students get up. Dragz lols and hehes live w/ m8 viewers and performs the daily ritual of inviting Tommy Vance to phone in.

2pm. ASK GLYNDWR. Viewers phone in their questions about lunix, netBSD and lunix for the welsh wizard.

3pm. CUSS GLYNDWR: As a follow-up, Ornage presents a show where people laugh at Glyndwr and his pathetic beard.

3:16pm. A MINUTE OF SILENCE followed by NEWS: Jim presents the days important issues, including the daily toilet update.

4pm. NEIGHBOURS: We go live to the edition of Neighbours shown for the unemployed.

5pm. IT LOOKED LIKE A LARGE PRAWN...: Jim's award-winning play is brought to the screen by this classic interpretation. Starring Steven Seagal and Anthea Turner

5:55pm. Doki is a fat cunt.

6pm. LATE NIGHT PREVIEW: Avatar hosts a look ahead to the most active hours of the hahs crew...followed by HAHS DIGI'S WORLD WAR III (part 297): Arran and Eddowes duel for combat once again before Eddowes declares the channel to be shit and Arran sits around being smug for half an hour.

8pm. DOWNTIME: Station is offair while everyone goes to the pub - pictures of kittens instead